Rich, major league a-hole Steve Fossett is today the first man to circumnavigate the globe by himself in a nipple shaped balloon. When asked for comment via satellite phone Fossett remarked, "I wanted to show the world that nipples are a great thing. My thanks to Budweiser for sponsoring this expedition and for helping drunken frat boys everywhere to see more tits."
Washington Post - After six attempts, celebrity adventurer Steve Fossett has managed to circumnavigate the globe in his nipple balloon. Commenting on the shape of the balloon Fossett remarked, "Well, it´s really for performance purposes, but damned if it doesn´t look just like the pair on this hoochie mama I banged in Brazil when I crashed on one of the last trips."
Fossett has made a career out of attempting difficult to near impossible feats. In addition to completing the Iron Man Triathalon and the Iditarod dog sled race, he also swam the English Channel. Fossett never even made his high school swim team.
When asked for comment about Fossett´s achievement former high school swim team captain Bobby Smith remarked, "Leaky Fossett? Man, we used to beat that kid up all the time. Whenever we looked at him he would pee his pants, hence the nickname. One time one of the guys de-pants him in front of the cheerleader squad, and I can tell you he is definitely overcompensating for a lack of something."
While Fossett´s achievment is being hailed as one of the last great milestones of aviation he had a lot of high tech help. An autopilot maintained a constant altitude for him as winds carried the flying boob at speeds of over 100 miles an hour. Fossett´s satellite modem gave him 2400 bits per second to email while his website was updated with information about his flight.
As one expert said, "After shelling out the dough to build the thing all he had to do was sit in a chair next to a bucket of his own filth eating Power-Bars and sucking on oxygen while browsing low-res porn and playing Freecell."
We here at CGW salute this brave achievment.