Caesar Barber is 270 pounds and stands 5-foot-10. He is obese. But Mr. Barber has a solution for his problem, he is suing the fast food industry for making him fat. CGW researchers ventured down to the local McDonalds and were shocked to find customers shackled to the seats having Big Macs shoved down their throats along with the occasional french fry and a swig of Diet Coke. Obviously Mr. Barber has a case.
ABCNews - Caesar Barber has brought a class action lawsuit against the fast food industry claiming that their products have made him the man he is today. A fat unhealthy man. While Mr. Barber has had several heart attacks this has not stopped him from going back to the greasy goodness of fast food. In fact probably nothing short of death itself will stop his mad, slow, ponderous, wheezing rush to the fast food counter. Obviously the addictive chemicals that are being injected into fast food are working effectively. Big Mac special sauce, the Colonel´s secret herbs and spices. All a chemical mind control solution designed to make us into obese morons that can only comprehend our next visit to get that extra value meal.
As CGW research scientists looked into Mr. Barber´s claim they discovered the truth. No one really likes fast food! The public has been brainwashed by a combination of chemical manipulation and psychological torture! One CGW scientist had a visit from the Burger King home distribution force.
"I was sitting at home watching the Discovery channel having some water and making up a nice vegetable stir fry when they burst through the door. It was horrible, they were wearing these horribly colored baseball caps and polo shirts with BK on them! I tried to get away, but they held me down and made me drink Coke and eat Whoppers with cheese! I think... I think they had french fries in there too. I tried to order a salad, but they said they were out!"
Mr. Barber claims that the fast food industry didn´t disclose their product´s ingredients and also didn´t specify the risks associated with eating too much of said product. CGW marketing guru Lance SpinMeister has a few suggestions for new food container messages.
McDonald´s Big Mac: Coronary bypass with special sauce.
McDonald´s Chicken McNuggets: Processed heart attack chunks.
Double Whopper with Cheese: Flame broiled stroke inducer.
Wendy´s Triple: The food avatar of death.
Jack In The Box Jumbo Jack: E-coli or heart disease, death is rolling loaded dice.
Subway Turkey Sub, no mayo, no cheese: Tastes like cardboard, you´ll live.