Jesus Christ is back and he´s rocking some luxury automobiles and sporting only the finest in timepieces. That´s right everyone, if you were waiting for the second coming, well wait no more because Pastor Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda says he has got Jesus´ spirit inside of him and that spirit is going to come out and smack you into eternal damnation if you don´t start clicking on his website´s Paypal link!
CNN - Divinity, thy name is De Jesus. Checking the time on his diamond encrusted Rolex, Pastor Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda stepped out of his armored BMW for a quick interview with CNN where he detailed how he is helping the poor and downtrodden feel better about themselves by donating their excess cash to his golden helicopter fund.
"Yes," De Jesus said, "I plan to build a solid gold helicopter which a chosen few will ride into the heavens to be delivered into the promised land. You might think that a golden helicopter would never be able to fly because gold is too soft and heavy, but since this helicopter is powered by faith it will obviously work and work much better than a normal helicopter which is powered by that less efficient gasoline stuff. To get this done we will need lots and lots of donations and a lot of gold. While I don´t encourage anyone to melt down the teeth of their Jewish neighbors it certainly would help out and since I´m God I´m here to tell you that those Jews are a bunch of crackpots."
Though De Jesus has the number 666 tattooed on his arm he claims that it´s all related to him being the replacement for Christ, ie the Antichrist who is actually a really great guy. "Yeah man, the Antichrist is a super cool dude, being that it´s me. Jesus is out and De Jesus is totally in man."
No word on what flavor Kool-Aid is being served at the De Jesus ministry.